How I see it.... from Wednesday 2/5/25
♥️ Enjoying a little moment I didn’t dream was going to come again. I had (had been, have been, and may be again) been so sick. I never thought I’d share a photo of me like this. It may seem like nothing to you- but as someone who gets stared at everywhere I go. No matter how I’m dressed, down or up, lesser amount of clothing to fully covered, I get attention. I like attention. I like good positive happy attention. Lol I get a lot of other kind of attention. Kids- I invite them to learn, talk about, touch, and get all their questions answered with as much kindness and normalcy as possible. I love it! They hear me, usually all like to touch haha and then they say nice things and move on. It’s amazing. I think it’s why I have always loved every child I’ve ever met. Haha But this picture, it’s particularly almost too much for me. Lol I usually try to get attention through banter & sarcasm and always try to use humor & my smile to disarm others and get to know them. I know people see me… but I don’t usually. I see how I feel… and to me- it’s way hotter haha. But this feeling good & the translation into how I feel and look on the outside, is new. I’ve never actually improved before. I’ve been dead - so that isn’t true. Lol but I never expected to feel the way I do right now again! With my Lipedema growing and lymphedema so advanced it was expected I’d just keep growing & pretty much die of an infection or issue from those conditions. Add Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, and I'm a case! haha But today- my body was different. 🤭 I walked into my store and as I was waiting for some shoes I ordered, and I saw a rack of items purchased online & returned in store. I had a few minutes & was looking for… I didn’t know. Just know something. So when I spotted the rack and small section of my size, I spotted this shirt… except when I picked it up it was a dress. And it was not the size I was looking at. Also, that dress was umm small, fitted and not my size! Like 4 sizes smaller than the dress I had on small. For a minute I looked at it, smiled and thought ‘in another life that dress… me… 💨 🔥 haha. I giggled a little & the young male employee came by and said ‘can I start a room for you’. I laughed - much louder and ‘real’ compared to a giggle now. Of that’s ok! That won’t fit me- out loud, 😂🤭 and then I said ‘I’m not her’. But before I put it back… I thought of the smoke I could feel looking at the dress. As I shook my head left to right, just thinking... I kind of wondered just how much it ‘wouldn’t’ fit. Like- need help to get off? One time wear- need scissors (I could contemplate still if it was worth it?), or oh dang, my hair is effed up? All worth the curiosity (after a Dr follow up with good news- I felt daring haha 🤣) so I strutted allll the way to the fitting room. Things fit better when you feel good! Haha Apparently! 🤭
If you don’t know me well/long- you don’t know this is the third (as God rolls his eyes and says- no girl, you’re on like 376 lives- remember that time you moved to CA with a stranger… or the time in the blizzard… how about, ok ok 😂!).. so 3rd or 400th time God has brought me back from ‘death’. Whether through a fire, lions den, walls falling down around me or this time full implosion… He has been faithful to ‘rebuild’ the outside. He has been patient with the de modeling on the ‘inside’. Some lessons I find myself repeating - even though I know they are the ones that hurt me the most. I guess if I hurt me, you can’t, right? This time, I know I’m needing to be bold; to be strong. To be determined. To be honest with the things I keep allowing myself to be fooled by, distracted by or enslaved by. I feel some kind of understanding inside me that as I step forward; right now I’m clenching the very thing I know is squeezing my heart dry. If I move in faith & don’t ’look back’ I think I will truly be standing where I’m meant to be!
Oversharing is something I do. But when you have a body like this and a lot is/can go wrong, you don’t get to choose. And you can’t unsee it, I know. It’s different on his side of it, I know where it’s taken me, what it’s gotten me through. All the moments I loved it, hated it, was angry at it, hurt it, thanked it, rewarded it, punished it, have brought me to a place where I know I’m perfectly imperfect. I know I’m meant to stand out- better or worse- your glasses need to be adjusted, not mine. I’m seeing many things differently and l thank God that every morning, no matter what my phone notifications, email, friends, strangers (so many strangers stop to talk to me about me. Lol), or even the voices I hear in my head say, I am authentically myself. I don’t get another body, I can’t fix this one. I refuse to keep covering it to the point I hate myself. I do all I’m advised of to help it, but it’ll never be ‘fixed’. My DNA (I literally have images of my effed up chromosomes- and 2 scars on my booty that tell the story) tells me there’s nothing to change to 'fix' me, it’s how I was made! I truly was ‘born this way’. Lol thanks Lady Gaga for empowering me with that line. Sometimes, I hear God saying- ‘if I wanted you to be ____ (fill in the blank), you would be.' I keep acting like some Qu'ass'imodo. haha SO intead-- I want to just be happy. In whatever my body and skin are doing on any given day.
Sometimes I do let circumstances define how I'm feeling, and on days like today when people stop to ask me about my smile or what has me so joyful or to compliment my dress, I remember to stop and appreciate it because I’m finally able to see more than myself & my sickness again! And today, in the humblest of ways I say- ‘damn girl!!!! You look INCREDIBLE!- you hafta buy it’ but moreso, I’m improved as a person, I’ve grown in many ways. I feel my own skin and it's the thing I lost, I let it be stripped down, believing it was no good. No one wanted me around anymore when I couldn't do, do, do for them. And my identity, being wrapped in liking me and loving you and.... well who the f*** did I ever lean on? Verbal Fearful as ever of opinions and pressure but baby steps!!! For now- I will be thankful for every ‘feel good’ day strung together in a row! I will count the lessons I’ve learned and ask for more light on the things I don’t understand. And let go of them!!! God keeps cutting off everything not meant for what’s ahead, I keep lining them up, he keeps knocking them down! I’ll learn. Or I won’t. 🤷🏻♀️
Either way, I’ll wear this dress somewhere that makes my heart as happy as my eyes while I’m in it. I enjoyed just doing errands & a few things for myself. Easy calls & a relaxed evening! 🥳 sharing this. And just smiling for no other reason but me! ♥️🤭 Transformation progression noted 🙌🏻.
To share a tiny bit more, for real, a year ago, I was certain I wasn’t going to be alive today and here I am just shopping & walking past the windows at the gym cuz I know who likes to see me haha. So - I’m walking, and talking and conversing and medication regulation is helping my MCAS (systemic allergy issues). And I am gonna keep on. So be prepared to see more of me while seeing more of me! Haha.
I only get this one body. It’s how I was made. Look or don’t.
If you’ve known me.. you know I’m a ham, but I’m never this ‘fully’ open. As a christian, I’m not perfect! I’m not close’ I’m not even actually trying in some areas right now, but I don’t like flaunting myself because of those who do seek to mock and belittle- I prefer not to make myself a target. This last year surviving AGAIN from major health stuff- 2 allergy attacks, 2 indexations, 1 surgery, 2 procedures already this year! That’s like 400 life saves so far! Go God. Haha but today- I feel like a person. A woman at that ;) I feel so amazing in my skin. In this dress. This dress is holding me back and I don’t blame it! If you don’t like it- you can unfollow me. Cuz this is me. When I wear this out, you’re gonna see me. It’s ok for me to be seen. I want to be seen. I
And since I’m gonna be seen one, I like ! Anyone wanna go ‘out’? I’m not wasting this one on a hanger! ♥️ I’m gonna feel me while I feel me.
OH... In other news, I kind of decided after learning that images of me in the buff completely, as well as surgical images have been compromised at my surgeon’s office. My medical records, my financial information and relation to my health insurance and surgical fees, my personal information, and again I don’t know if I mentioned about pictures of me with not much on or nothing on showing all the terrible parts of my body that should be fixed and need help. If that doesn’t get you thinking, you might as well show it off in a dress, nothing will. There is nothing again, that I can do about someone leaking my images. Some of the other ladies who’ve had this happened have had memes with their clothes on, so who knows what will happen with them off. But I refuse to let another person on this planet have anything to say about my body that has been made in the image of God and has proven time and time again it will come through for me. No one else has ever come through for me the way that I have. And when I start coming through for myself, my body will continue to come through for me. That is the thing I’m learning. It may have taken a man to remind me. It may have taken him, hurting me as well for me to see. But I do now and I’m standing on solid ground, and I’m ready to go after everything that I think should be mine and that I think is for me. Maybe a couple of wants in the meantime. So watch out… Here I come!
♥️Xo cb 💋